


here today in memory

by CaptainJimothyCarter



Series: Avengers Bingo [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Engagement, F/M, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/very little comfort, MCU Bingo, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, No Beta, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Steggy - Freeform, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, There is very little comfort, We Die Like Men, but not in the way you think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:48:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29705685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainJimothyCarter/pseuds/CaptainJimothyCarter
Summary: In his mind, today marks not just her deathday, but the 72nd anniversary that Peggy Carter had said yes.
Relationships: Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov
Series: Avengers Bingo [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2183064
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	here today in memory

**Author's Note:**

> For MCU Bingo - Engagement
> 
> I don't know where this came from. You can blame me accidentally watching Peggy's funeral earlier today and the pain I pulled from Steve's face. I wanted to do my normal happy ending/fluff but I tried to branch out a little.
> 
> That doesn't mean I didn't cry writing this. How dare Peggy die.

“We were young and silly and caught up in a war neither one of us had business being in. Yet, there we were, making whispered promises to one another in hopes that we’d see it through,” Steve finds himself whispering to the marble slab. “I loved you. I loved you since the first time I laid my eyes on you, since the first time I watched you knock the lights out of Hodge. I snorted, far too loud, and you bought my lie of me not being able to catch my breath.

Now, I guess you knew I was lying, didn’t you? You just didn’t want to say anything. You saw something in me - whatever it was...I still don’t know. You took a chance on me. More than just love, Pegs. You took me under your wing after you caught Hodge and his lil’ gang beating me up. There were always men like him, always will be but you took a chance and helped me learn how to fight. Finally got one laid on him, didn’t I? Knocked his lights right out - he didn’t dare say anything to Phillips about that missing tooth.”

Steve’s head laid back on his shoulders as he let out a sigh, the weight of the world felt far too heavy resting on them. He ran his fingertips over the marble, tracing over the name and dates without really looking at them. 

“Then, I died. I made a date, a promise, and I died. I woke up in a new century, don’t know where I was - I still don’t. Found you were still alive and...I-I don’t know if it's still better or for worse. I supposed I’m selfish, thinking you’d be younger somehow. Through sheer force of will, I guess. I don’t know why I thought you’d be...we’d be…”

His throat tightened and not for the first time that evening, tears blurred his vision. He didn’t bother to blink them away or to wipe them as they ran down his face. The air was turning cold with every blast of wind on this frigid hill but Steve saw no reason to get up and trudge back inside. He was used to colder climates.

“We were engaged. I still kept the ring...they...they said you did too. You wore it around your neck, right next to my dog tag. You never gave up, did you? Some part of you still held hope and I’m alive because of you, Pegs. I’m grateful but I...I’m selfish and I need you. How could you  _ leave  _ me?”

That’s what broke the dam, the sobs rising in his throat before he could quell it before he could shove the emotions down. Steve didn’t stop himself in dragging his knees to his chest, not caring if the suit was dirtied in the freshly laid dirt or not as he sobbed his heart out on Peggy’s fresh grave.

* * *

“Do you want to know what she thought about you?” A voice to his right asks, causing Steve’s head to pick up. It's dark out, so it takes him longer than normal to see Natasha kneeling beside him.

He’s been sitting here for hours then, weaving in between consciousness and sobbing. He’s tuckered out, there’s not one last tear inside of him. He can’t even muster the energy to fight sleep, the cold is the only thing keeping him awake. 

“I already know,” Steve grumbled, his voice hoarse with speaking far too much to a person he’ll never see alive again. “She loved me.”

“Foolishly,” Natasha mused, making Steve’s nose wrinkle. “You know how I feel about love but I can see when one means a great deal to someone. She foolishly loved you, enough to surround her whole life to protect the innocent but it was the smaller things she did that also honored you.”

“I know about those. S-Stark told me. The garden down in Brooklyn, near Buck and I’s old apartment - it feeds the homeless and poor. SHIELD regulates it. Or well-did before…” He waved his hand as if to gesture to  _ everything  _ that has happened in the last few years. 

“It still does, maybe not the organization we once knew but a few agents dedicated to the cause and a few good samaritans help out,” she pointed out, making Steve’s lips twitch into a small smile. “She also started a program with Maria Stark to help out the poor, to help those with medical needs get the help they need. So families can spend time with one another and no one has to work four jobs just to make ends meet. Do you know what she called it?”

Natasha’s little smile stayed as Steve shook his head. Her hand reached out to smooth the few locks that fell across his forehead. “The Sarah Rogers Foundation.”

If Steve could cry, he knew a few more tears would’ve found a way to his eyes. All he could do was give a seldom nod. Natasha knew he was thankful beyond words could express.

Peggy always found a way to honor the little things.

“Do you know what else she thought of you?” Natasha mused, her hand held out this time to pull him to his feet. At Steve’s questionable look, she gave an amused grin to herself. “That you were an idiot. A daft idiot who always tried to do the right thing, even if it was for the wrong reason. She loved you, Steve, and she wouldn’t want you to be alone.”

Peggy was right, even in death she found a way to be right.

* * *

Steve didn’t question where they were going, he let his feet take him, trusting Natasha to lead. His eyes stayed on the ground, watching his boots caked in mud slap against the concrete. His jeans crinkled as he walked, losing a bit of the dried dirt and mud he’d obtained while sitting at her grave. It wasn’t until he was in a hotel room that he didn’t recognize did he finally lookup.

“Did I-” He wasn’t even sure what was going to come out of his mouth, brain in too much of a fog to try to ask any questions.

If he tried to think, it was of her. It was of the life she lived, the life they didn’t get to live. It was selfishly of  _ her.  _

“You’re not selfish,” Natasha mused in that manner that told him she was reading his mind again. She was scary good like that. Peggy would have liked her. “You’re in mourning, you’re in pain and possibly hurt more than most people will understand. They just see the loss of a great leader, a woman who broke boundaries, changed the world and while that stings to them, it is so much more on your level, isn’t it?” Her eyes didn’t leave his as he stood in the middle of the two beds.  _ “You are mourning everything  _ and it hurts ten times fold just because you woke up in a future you didn’t know. You deserve to take this time to yourself, Steve but I won’t let you neglect yourself.”

Now he understood the need for a hotel room he didn’t book. Christ, he didn’t even know what city they were in. London? Cardiff? Peggy always said her family had a plot to be buried in, but he didn’t know if she wanted that in the end.

Instead of allowing his mind to wander, Natasha had tossed him a change of clothes and a towel, ushering him into a large shower. The hot water did wonders to wash off the dirt and tear stains but he still felt dead and empty inside. 

Cold. He felt like his body was encased in ice again, first waking up on the cold, metal table, with too many noises around him. Too bright of lights flashing around him, a machine beeping loudly and hard in his ear. A doctor in a white coat yelling for  _ Fury.  _ He listened, strained his ears to hear  _ her,  _ to hear that accent, someone to say her name, even confirmation she was  _ alive.  _ It never came.

He woke up again in that  _ damn  _ room of Fury’s. That’s where it all started.

“You need to eat,” Natasha broke through his thoughts when he emerged an hour later. She’d ordered room service and about half of the menu. 

Steve picked up the first plate he saw, eating without really tasting. Natasha was watching him. Waiting. She wasn’t going to prod - she wasn’t like that. She just wanted him to know he wasn’t alone.

His dog tags, something he never took off, jingled as he set the plate back on the dresser, belly full in a manner that felt too uncomfortable for him in this current state. They jingled again as he sat back on the bed as if to remind him they exist. He sighed as he slipped them off his head, tracing over his own name, Bucky’s name, even Peggy’s where the wedding band waited for her.

“I tried-” Steve started and stopped, swallowing slightly. He glanced up at Natasha, watching her nibble on her fries. “I asked her to marry me.”

The redhead nodded, a remorseful smile on her face. “Did she punch you in the face and said no? She was famous for punching.”

“She was famous for lots but…” He shrugged his broad shoulders and laid back. “She said yes. It was in a church we’d taken shelter in during an air raid. The place was destroyed by the time we came out of the bunker, the only thing left standing was this...this half-hall of stained glass. She happened to be standing right in front of it when I got the last of our guys out, looking like a damn goddess.”

This time, his companion snorted and Steve felt his ears turn red. “Please tell me you didn’t tell her that. That’s so cheesy, Rogers.”

“I might’ve...whispered it in  Gaeilge ,” he murmured, looking down at the ring. “Which, of course, she knew. She didn’t tell me at the time, but she knew it. I don’t know what compelled me, I’m sure it was some fireable offense but we were so bone-dog tired that I didn’t think. She says I never think but I did it…”

“And she said yes,” Natasha whispered the words, leaning forward in the office chair she sat in. Her hand reached out for the tags and Steve deposited them. Her eyes lingered on Bucky’s before falling to Peggy’s, tracing over the wedding band. “Sarah Rogers - your mother’s?”

His head bobbed before he could stop it. “Ma left ‘em to me when she died, about the only thing I had with her that I could take besides a-a few books.”

“She was a lovely woman - both of them, I’m sure. I never met...your mother, of course, but from what you speak of her, she’d be proud of you.” This time Steve’s face flushed, his head dropping back to the floor as she handed the tags back over. “I met Peggy - Director Carter at the time. You’ll hear Clint say he made that call that changed my life, but it came from both he and Carter. He just took the rep for it. Fury went softer on Barton because of it, even if Carter wasn’t supposed to be  _ acting  _ Director at the time.”

“She’s always changing our lives,” Steve gave a strained laugh, shaking his head. “I... _ thank you.”  _

He’s thankful he’s not alone, in the same manner, he’s not thankful because he wants to be alone. 

Laying back in bed, all Steve can do is curl up and hold onto the tags. They feel a hundred times heavier than they do on a normal night. They’re colder than normal against his skin and each breath makes them tinkle louder than before. A constant reminder at all he’s lost.

It's anyone's guess how he falls asleep - maybe Natasha drugged the food with some super-soldier poison, or maybe his brain is just that exhausted,  _ who knows. _

It’s barely the crack of dawn, the clock reading 4:28 am when he wakes up, knowing that he’s not getting back to sleep in this state. The other bed is empty, untouched. The food is gone, the only thing that’s left is a change of clothes on the table. 

His phone lights up, alerting him to a text.

_ I’m a call away if you need me. NR _

He was once again alone and every feeling from the day before rushed back to him. 

_ “If you could change the course of time, would you do it?” Tony asked him one day, already into his third beer. “If you could change one key event, change the course of your life, would you do it?” _

At the time, Steve had said no, that he regrets lots but being here, helping fight the good fight, it’s where he’s needed. Yet, right now, as he trudged on to pull his jeans and shirt on, and tuck the dog tags inside of his shirt, Steve knows if he was asked again, this time he would say yes.

Selfishly, he would say yes.


End file.
